October 16, 2008
The final Presidential debate turned an ordinary, hard-working American into a cult hero. Not since the introduction of Sarah Palin onto the national political scene, have we seen such an “overnight sensation”. Once again, we have John McCain to thank.
It all started on Sunday, October 12. Senator Barack Obama was working the crowds in the battleground state of Ohio. While meeting the people in Holland, Ohio, the television camera crews caught an exchange between Obama and a gentleman named Joe Wurzelbacher. On the evening of Wednesday October 15, after the debate, the Associated Press informed us that Joe had been interested in buying a plumbing business. He was concerned about Obama’s tax plan. Apparently, this plumbing business generated enough income to put it over Obama’s $250,000 tax threshold, although not significantly above that. Joe would likely be getting “the worst of both worlds” under the Obama plan: He would have to pay the 39-percent tax instead of a 36-percent tax and as a result, he might pocket a net income lower than what the business would get if that company had earned less than $250,000. According to the Associated Press report on the conversation, the following exchange took place:
“It’s not that I want to punish your success,” Obama said. “I just want to make sure that everybody who is behind you that they’ve got a chance at success, too.”
At a later point in the discussion, Obama said: “I think when you spread the wealth around, it’s good for everybody. But listen, I respect what you do and I respect your question, and even if I don’t get your vote, I’m still gonna be working hard on your behalf because small businesses are what creates jobs in this country and I want to encourage it.”
McCain seemed excited that the Obama campaign had abandoned that huge demographic of small business owners earning between $250,000 and $300,000. His campaign finally found its target audience! Better yet, Obama had used the expression: “spread the wealth around” — a catch-phrase validating the claim that “liberals” are on a mission to redistribute the wealth. Of course, this concern resonates only with rich people. It has never caused America’s (now disappearing) middle class to lose any sleep.
Joe Wurzelbacher was identified during that final debate as: “Joe The Plumber”. He would become the archetype for those segments of the voting public, not yet ready to accept Obama as their choice for the Presidency. If Obama wants to sweep all 50 States (and The District) in this election, he will need to win the support of “Joe The Plumber” and most of Joe’s peers. Joe appears to be a man who is very street-wise. He resembles the character on the label of Mister Clean, an ammonia-based cleaning solution that many of us recall from childhood. He might not be from a big city like Chicago … but he knows how to “read” people. We could see this during the video clip of his conversation with Obama. After the Democrat placed his left hand on Joe’s right shoulder – Joe immediately recoiled, folding his arms over his chest. That was some great body language! McCain’s handlers must have loved this. Joe saw through the “politician’s trick” of attempting to win the trust of a voter by touching that person. Joe was not about to be “played” by a politician on national TV – Presidential candidate or not!
Poor Joe is now being set upon by a mob of bloggers, reporters and wonks. They will be in his face from now until Election Day. Rest assured that during the final weeks of this campaign, Obama will be presenting his case to the Joe Wurzelbachers of America. News analysts will be dissecting the candidates’ tax plans to determine which is better for Joe. For his part, Joe will suffer through a huge invasion of his own privacy.
In a perfect world (my imagination) the non-stop interviews would eventually turn up an interesting coincidence: that Joe had once crossed paths with the vilified Bill Ayers (the other star of that final debate). If only … The press would ask Joe about this and he would say:
I worked a job about ten years ago. I did the plumbing for a redevelopment effort in Gary, Indiana, to help the neighborhoods affected by the closing of the steel mills there. It was called the Community Rescue Advancement Project. We just called it “The Project”. We couldn’t use the initials. That Bill Ayers guy was a leader of the project. It was a charity. His real job was a college professor or college dean or something. I met him a few times. In fact, he signed the checks I got. He didn’t really sign them himself … It was just his signature printed by a computer. You know: embossed – like with the little holes punched into a multi-colored signature that said: “William Ayers”. I found out later that he was a radical from the 1960s. They use the term “terrorists” now but we used to just call them: “Hippie Radicals”. The first real terrorist here was the guy in Oklahoma City who blew up that Federal Building. These hippies just fought with the police and blew off bombs that damaged equipment and stuff. I don’t know if they really hurt anybody. In fact, I read somewhere that all of these 60s radicals were actually working with the CIA and using police officers as guinea pigs to test riot weapons they could use to overthrow communist dictators in the banana republics and stuff. These hippies ended up getting stock options from the companies that made these weapons – really weird stuff, you know: like mace with LSD in it — kinky, perverted stuff like the CIA would come up with. Anyway, these guys are all jillionaires right now. Look at Jerry Rubin! He’s a HUGE guy on Wall Street! Anyway, I learned during the campaign that this Ayers guy used to be a radical. When I met him, he didn’t seem like a hippie. His hair was short but he did have John Lennon glasses. I couldn’t imagine him fighting the police because he looked … you know, uhh … kinda’ gay. Besides, he was too old to be fighting police when I met him.
Unfortunately, the real “Joe The Plumber” will probably not have any such information to share with his bothersome inquisitors. In a perfect world, he would. In a perfect world: the Dow Jones would be climbing past 14,000. In a perfect world . . .
The Narrowing
October 20, 2008
Halloween is less than two weeks away. The theme of the perfect horror film for 2008 becomes increasingly apparent as I type this. We can rely only on the YouTube medium to get this year’s best spooky thriller before the public in time. Right now, the trees in our nation’s capitol are manifesting the multi-colored transition to autumn. The time to shoot this movie is right now. The time to get it before the public is right now. The Narrowing has the potential to be the “fright film” of the decade.
The horror depicted in this movie is most troubling for the moderate Republicans. On Sunday, October 19, millions of Americans watched former Secretary of State, Republican Colin Powell, a retired Army General, endorse Democratic nominee Barack Obama for the Presidency. Among the reasons given by General Powell for his endorsement of Obama included what he described as “the narrowing” of the Republican Party during the course of this campaign. On that same television program, NBC’s Meet The Press, conservative commentator David Brooks expressed his concern about “the narrowing” of the Republican Party throughout the current election cycle. In his analysis of General Powell’s rationale for the Obama endorsement, Mr. Brooks said:
As a movie, The Narrowing would feature mobs of “talk radio” – entranced people, wandering through the streets of our nation’s small towns and big cities. There would be elderly men with racist-attired Curious George dolls. They would speak with strange little voices, using the Curious George dolls as puppets to complain about how our nation’s public schools would be serving pigs’ feet and black-eyed peas to “red-blooded American children” for lunch. The movie would depict elderly, white-trash women with “bed head”, repeating the rumor that Barack Obama is uncircumcised. (It was actually Bill Maher who started this rumor. In the movie, he would remind these women to include the aspect concerning the scent of curry.) There would be pit bulls wearing lipstick with small “beehive wigs” and ersatz Kawasaki eyeglass frames, brought to animal shelters and veterinary emergency rooms after horrible maulings and other injuries. These events would not have been caused from abuse by humans – but from attacks by irate Jack Russell Terriers and Border Collies. Mobs carrying torches would be chasing after Peggy Noonan and Chris Buckley, yelling: “Traitor!” John McCain would attempt to transform himself into “the old McCain of 2000” but it would be too late.
The film’s most scary moments would take place on Election Day. Throngs of screaming people would be seen, running from polling places. The Sarah Palin “wanna-bes” would show up to vote, not having washed their hairdos or having changed their clothes since Halloween. The gasping exiles from the voting booths would complain of the overwhelming “homeless smell” carried into the polls by these over-ripe Palin impersonators.
At the conclusion of the film, the vanquished, moderate Republicans would be forced in retreat to the shelter of big cities such as New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and (gasp!) San Francisco. They would form “cells” and organize plots to undo “the narrowing” and hopefully live to fight another day.
Meanwhile, here in “the real world”, The Narrowing is upon us. It has become painfully obvious to the more astute members of the Republican Party and the conservative community. If the GOP is to have a future, it must develop an immunosuppressive response to The Narrowing.