October 20, 2008
Halloween is less than two weeks away. The theme of the perfect horror film for 2008 becomes increasingly apparent as I type this. We can rely only on the YouTube medium to get this year’s best spooky thriller before the public in time. Right now, the trees in our nation’s capitol are manifesting the multi-colored transition to autumn. The time to shoot this movie is right now. The time to get it before the public is right now. The Narrowing has the potential to be the “fright film” of the decade.
The horror depicted in this movie is most troubling for the moderate Republicans. On Sunday, October 19, millions of Americans watched former Secretary of State, Republican Colin Powell, a retired Army General, endorse Democratic nominee Barack Obama for the Presidency. Among the reasons given by General Powell for his endorsement of Obama included what he described as “the narrowing” of the Republican Party during the course of this campaign. On that same television program, NBC’s Meet The Press, conservative commentator David Brooks expressed his concern about “the narrowing” of the Republican Party throughout the current election cycle. In his analysis of General Powell’s rationale for the Obama endorsement, Mr. Brooks said:
He (Powell) was attacking the Republican Party and the key word there was: “narrowing”. The party is narrowing and leaving a lot of people out – people like Colin Powell. . . . They have to ask themselves: “Why are we narrowing?”
* * *
A lot of people who were Republicans, feel like they have been left out — not by McCain but by the party. And if McCain has any blame, it is in the beginning of this campaign. He didn’t say: “I’m different.” He didn’t break with the party. He got sucked up (beautiful Freudian slip) – sucked in at least halfway into the orthodoxy of the party. That’s narrowing.
As a movie, The Narrowing would feature mobs of “talk radio” – entranced people, wandering through the streets of our nation’s small towns and big cities. There would be elderly men with racist-attired Curious George dolls. They would speak with strange little voices, using the Curious George dolls as puppets to complain about how our nation’s public schools would be serving pigs’ feet and black-eyed peas to “red-blooded American children” for lunch. The movie would depict elderly, white-trash women with “bed head”, repeating the rumor that Barack Obama is uncircumcised. (It was actually Bill Maher who started this rumor. In the movie, he would remind these women to include the aspect concerning the scent of curry.) There would be pit bulls wearing lipstick with small “beehive wigs” and ersatz Kawasaki eyeglass frames, brought to animal shelters and veterinary emergency rooms after horrible maulings and other injuries. These events would not have been caused from abuse by humans – but from attacks by irate Jack Russell Terriers and Border Collies. Mobs carrying torches would be chasing after Peggy Noonan and Chris Buckley, yelling: “Traitor!” John McCain would attempt to transform himself into “the old McCain of 2000” but it would be too late.
The film’s most scary moments would take place on Election Day. Throngs of screaming people would be seen, running from polling places. The Sarah Palin “wanna-bes” would show up to vote, not having washed their hairdos or having changed their clothes since Halloween. The gasping exiles from the voting booths would complain of the overwhelming “homeless smell” carried into the polls by these over-ripe Palin impersonators.
At the conclusion of the film, the vanquished, moderate Republicans would be forced in retreat to the shelter of big cities such as New York, Chicago, Los Angeles and (gasp!) San Francisco. They would form “cells” and organize plots to undo “the narrowing” and hopefully live to fight another day.
Meanwhile, here in “the real world”, The Narrowing is upon us. It has become painfully obvious to the more astute members of the Republican Party and the conservative community. If the GOP is to have a future, it must develop an immunosuppressive response to The Narrowing.
PSD
October 23, 2008
It happened again. Another conservative pundit predicted that Barack Obama would likely become the 44th President of the United States. This time it was David Frum, appearing on The Colbert Report. Frum stated that the McCain-Palin ticket is unlikely to win the election, unless Obama-Biden loses it. With that in mind, Joe Biden has now begun wearing his Halloween costume. He will continue to do so through Halloween weekend for the supposed purpose of entering as many Halloween costume contests as possible. Halloween is on a Friday this year. Biden has been entered in contests through Sunday night. He will be wearing a ball gag in his mouth. He will be carrying a card with the following explanation:
This is my Halloween costume. I am the “ball gag guy” from Pulp Fiction.
After the Halloween costume contests, Biden will be able to remove the gag from his mouth during the wee hours of Monday morning. On Monday, he will begin eating soft pastas and work his way up to solid food. Tuesday won’t matter, since that will be Election Day.
Unfortunately, things look worse for Republican Vice-Presidential candidate, Sarah Palin. I am reminded of her fate by the constant appearance of Brooke Shields on TV. By now, most of the public might realize that Brooke is apparently suffering from Post-Stardom Depression (PSD). This condition has ostensibly caused her to appear in televised Volkswagen commercials. Poor Brooke! Her self-esteem must have gone through the floorboards! Isn’t there any medication that can help her with this? Did Tom Cruise dissuade her from taking it?
Meanwhile, Republican operatives have already announced that Sarah Palin’s campaign outfits will be given to charity after the election. At least Sarah managed to secure possession of “The Cards” (the cue cards from her appearance on Saturday Night Live). After the election, PSD could likely put Sarah into a world of hurt. Trig would be sitting in his playpen, crying … and Sarah would be sitting on the rec room floor, crying and hugging The Cards. All will be lost. She will be forced to return to her existence as the Governor of the State of Alaska. Her attention will be abruptly refocused from the world’s most monumental crises, to the humdrum issues involving meth labs and snow machines. She would, no doubt, do her best to cope with this malady. She might go so far as to seek compensation for this unexpected hardship. The Republican Party could hire experts to testify that PSD does not really exist. Governor Palin might be forced to hire experts to dispute those opinions and, in the process, eventually be compelled to disclose personal records concerning the consultations between those experts and herself. It could get really ugly. The would-be “poster woman” of the future “gender-inclusive” Republican Party might end up being portrayed by her former advisors as just another “claimant”, attempting to milk the “frivolous lawsuit” system for all it is worth.
Many of us began to suspect that Sarah would get “thrown under the bus” after the election. We became suspicious of this, once she was assigned to deliver the “cheap shots” against Obama in her stump speeches. MSNBC’s Chuck Todd has already expressed suspicion that John McCain might be harboring resentment toward Palin, out of concern that she could be the reason for his diminished standing in the polls. After all, most commentators believe her candidacy wasn’t McCain’s idea, anyway. At the Republican Convention, Newt Gingrich did a lot of bragging that the selection of Palin was his idea. Will this bragging continue after Election Day?
In the weeks ahead, the human tragedy could take its toll. Will Sarah Palin be left in the ditch with PSD? Will it be necessary for her to “eat crow” and capitulate to reliance on Barack Obama’s health care plan, to address PSD? Regardless of what the courts might do with such a claim, karmic justice would prevail.